And We Laughed

Grape Stomp Fail

2012-01-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

Morning Without Starbucks

2012-01-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

Man Shot by Dick Cheney Begins Every Phone Message Referencing Incident

2012-01-22T08:40:00.001-08:00

Austin - The prominent Texan who gained international fame when his face and body absorbed shotgun pellets fired from the gun of then Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly begins every voice mail message referencing the incident. "Hi, it's Harry Whittington, the guy Dick Cheney thought was a quail..." "It's been years since the mishap and people are starting to let it slip their mind," says long time Whittington associate Randolph Thibodeaux. "With Bush in Dallas, away from the spotlight, Harry fears the episode will soon be completely forgotten. After hearing his voice message, Harry hopes friends and colleagues will say, 'That's right, I completely forgot Harry took one for the good ole U.S. of A.'" Mr. Thibodeaux added that the episode itself, as well as Harry's willingness to be cool about it, gives no one the right to put an expiration date on the story as a phone message intro or conversation starter. "Personally I'd open with, 'Your skin is flawless! Let me guess, you've never been shot in the face by a standing Veep?'"

(Courtesy thehill.com)

I'm a Lumberjack

2012-01-20T16:09:00.001-08:00

From the Political Wire...

2012-01-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

President Obama Asks Executive Assistant: "Do We Get Paid Today?"

Former President Bush Doesn't Know How to Interpret Laura's, "I Forgot what it was Like Spending so Much Time with You," Comment

Editor Ethyn Kelly: Kelly Family Newsletter to Stop Promoting Megyn's O'Reilly Factor Appearances

Andy Richter for Nissan

2012-01-15T17:56:00.001-08:00

Martin Scorsese PSA

2012-01-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

Awesometown – Early Andy Samberg

2012-01-08T00:53:00.000-08:00

Andy Richter: Cost Cutting

2012-01-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

Cash-Strapped John Offering to Rewrite "Candle" to Fit Life of Your Dead Pet

2012-01-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

Steve Martin Sings King Tut

2012-01-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

Wheel of Fortune Contestant Admonished for "Eyeballing" Vanna White

2011-12-30T08:21:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles - During a commercial break, recent Wheel of Fortune contestant Richard Barron was admonished by sidekick Vanna White for leering at her posterior as she moved from letter to letter. "Hey jackass, eyes off the prize!" Ms. White yelled at the chagrined competitor. "Do you think my security team doesn't know where your kids lay their precious little heads come sundown!? This ain't amateur hour, Dick. Tonight tuck them in like it'll be your last tuck." A flustered Mr. Barron profusely apologized, claiming he wasn't intentionally staring, his mind was simply recalling the years he'd spent dreaming of spinning the wheel in proximity to the nation's premier letter-turner. Ms. White was unrelenting. "Save the 'cry of the pervert' for your maker." "What does that even mean!? Please, I wasn't trying to offend. Is there anything I can say to make this right," Mr. Barron begged, turning to host Pat Sajak for support. "For the love of god shut up," the host whispered, not so subtly wincing as he rubbed his shoulder.

(Courtesy E! Online)

Spin City Sign Language

2011-12-28T12:48:00.001-08:00

Kenny Rogers Jackass

2011-12-26T08:07:00.001-08:00

Muppets Sing Bohemian Rhapsody

2011-12-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

Brownie Cop 9-1-1 Call

2011-12-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

Report: Bowl Season Heats Up with Bowl Game

2011-12-20T17:59:00.000-08:00

America - Bowl season became extremely intense Tuesday when two college football teams that qualified for the same bowl went at each other with a vengeance. "It was intense," one spectator said. "One team tried to carry the pigskin over the goal line and then the other team tried to carry the pigskin over the goal line. Back and forth, back and forth - everybody trying to get the officials to raise their arms!" Future bowls, played by different players, representing different schools, wearing different colored jerseys, promise to add sparks to the 2011-2012 bowl season. "I can't wait for the tussle on the 22nd. And it wouldn't be Christmas Eve without the bowl game they play on that day," a college football aficionado exclaimed. Experts are particularly excited about the matchup between the really fast guy and the highly skilled guy who gets hurt all the time but is currently injury free. Former Heisman Trophy winner Andre Ware contributed to this report.

(Courtesy ESPN.com)

Whose Line: Jurassic Park

2011-12-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

Report: Bush Lead Passengers in Round of Applause after Each Landing

2011-12-18T09:09:00.001-08:00

Washington - A veteran U.S. pilot revealed today that former President George W. Bush applauded wildly every time Air Force One touched down, no matter how mundane the journey. "After bumpy flights during which I zigzagged through bolts of lightning, I appreciated acknowledgment the landing was stellar," the pilot said on the condition of anonymity. "But a standing 'O' surrounded by blue skies was a bit much." The president reportedly nicknamed the pilot in some measure because of his landing prowess. "Mr. Bush called me 'Stick,'" the pilot claimed. "Partly because I'm thin and partly because I 'stick' the landings."

(Courtesy Politico.com)

Catch Phrase Blooper

2011-12-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

Breaking: Scandal Rocks PETA

2011-12-16T09:37:00.001-08:00

Straight No Chaser: Twelve Days of Christmas

2011-12-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Dennis Miller's NFL Power Rankings

2011-12-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

1. Green Bay Packers - Packers Coach Mike McCarthy is a genius. An individual's proficiency hasn't been this instrumental in making crowds happy since Richard L. Coe told producers of Hello, Dolly to give Minnie Fay more cleavage.

2. Houston Texans - A Texas football team hadn't won a meaningful game in December since the only people who'd roll their eyes at the mention of "Cher" are those who'd eaten some bad Beurre blanc in Bourges.

3. Denver Broncos - If you're tired of reading about Tim Tebow, be certain NFL defenses are responding to the disappearance of fourth quarter leads as Jubal Brown responds to museum artwork.

4. New England Patriots - Tom Brady keeps chuckin' the pigskin like the future hall of famer he is. The heartthrob gunslinger is to the Patriots success as the perturbation theory is to describing real quantum systems.

5. New Orleans Saints - They've been lights out since their "World Multiconference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics mistakenly accepting Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy as a 'non-reviewed' paper in 2005," embarrassing loss to the Rams.

(Courtesy Foxsports.com)

Girl Burying Goldfish

2011-12-13T06:42:00.000-08:00

Making the Best of It

2011-12-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

A positive attitude helps brighten any situation. Despite a lack of fireworks, I made the most of a first date. Why not? It's always fun getting to know another human being. While I wouldn't be able to RSVP "plus 1", I would be "plus 1" in the friend department. What better way to add a little frivolity than by faking sudden deafness!? After giving no indication I'm hard of hearing, I completely ignore his question regarding my usual holiday plans. As he repeats the query, I widen my eyes and stare at his lips, as if to say, "I see you're talking but can't hear a single word!" I aggressively tug on both lobes, and then move my jaw around like I'm desperate to pop my ears. Mimicking a swimmer fresh from the pool, I tilt my head and repeatedly smack the side of my face. After that: unadulterated screams of panic. Assuming we're experiencing domestic issues, the maitre d' calls the cops and kicks us out. The police confuse my lack of response with attitude. As they have me pinned against a brick wall, my date yells, "She went deaf! She literally just went deaf!" A month later, he pays me a visit. Having studied speech patterns of the hearing-impaired, I inform him we can't date because he reminds me of the precise moment I lost my hearing, you know, sort of a Pavlovian deal.

(Courtesy Chicken Soup for the Soul)

If You Have It

2011-12-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

From the Desk of Ellen DeGeneres

2011-12-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

So you wanna be a stand-up comedian, Sally. I'm not really talking to a lady named Sally; I invented the moniker to represent all females who have comic aspirations. I'll do it again: So Pam, you want to be a stand-up comic? Again: So Erin, you want to be a stand-up comic? Well, Erin could be a boy's name tool. Wait, I accidentally typed "tool" instead of "too" and spell check didn't catch it. Why would spell check catch it, "tool" is a word. Actually Erin is a girl's name and Aaron is a boy's name. If I were talking you couldn't hear a difference, but I'm not talking. Actually I am talking but you can't hear me and when you read this I'll be talking about something else. But women comedians aren't funny unless they're gay... or unless we're gay rather. Rosie O'Donnell and I set the standard for gays being funny. When's the last time you saw a heterosexual woman kill at the Improv and said to yourself, "Wow, she's on a rocket ship to super-stardom!" Never! You never say that to yourself, Sally. I'm again addressing Sally. She stepped away but now she's back. Say hi to Sally everyone! Please keep in mind that I have nothing against heterosexual women comedians. In fact, I'd like to sleep with many of them! No, that was a joke. Well, it wasn't entirely a joke, but it was said in jest. I do that sometimes. It's how I make money. Tune into my show next week when the guests will be Jimmy Buffett, Greg Kinnear and Hillary Duff! That has nothing to do with funny gay women, but thought you might like to know, Sally.

(The views of Ms. DeGeneres do not reflect those of andwelaughed.blogspot.com)

Bud Light Swear Jar

2011-12-09T07:46:00.000-08:00

ACLU Wants School Bus to Stop Driving by so Many Churches

2011-12-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

Marshall, TX - The ACLU has learned a school bus that transports children to and from Marshall Elementary School passes 8 local churches per trip. "That's too many," said ACLU spokesperson Pete Peters. "Those churches expose children to crosses and catchy little religious phrases, things that kids should not be exposed to while being driven by governmental busses. "The Republican led city council says that it would be a logistical nightmare for the bus to avoid the institutions of religion. "The bus would have to start its route an hour early and the kids wouldn't get home until an hour later," says City Councilman, Jeff Todd. But Mr. Peters insists he's worked out the details. "I planned it out on Yahoo! Maps this morning," he said. "When the bus is on Main Street, instead of turning left on 3rd Avenue, it should take a right on Austin Street, a left on Magnolia Street, a left on Pine Lane, drive through the Wendy's parking lot, drive across Crazy Jeb Bellows ranch, make a U-turn over the center divider on Perkins Street and BAM, you've got a bus route that gets everyone to school and doesn't compromise anyone's civil liberties."

(Courtesy The Marshall Daily Sentinel)

Top Gun Motors

2011-12-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

Unintended Consequences

2011-12-06T08:00:00.001-08:00

Crime Deterrent Phone

2011-12-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

From the Desk of Ms. Barbra Streisand

2011-12-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

The reason I became an Academy Award winning superstar singer/actor/director triple threat is so I could speak exclusively with others whose mantel is adorned with one or more Oscars. If I wanted to talk to maids, I would have become an award winning duster/polisher/vacuumer. Rich people hire "Majordomos" to run our homes. Majordomos TALK TO THE MAID! Conversations with the help are a waste of my time and a waste of their time. Each second they're at my luxurious dwelling money exits my designer handbag and eventually ends up their swear jar (Do they have one for each language in which they curse?). People don't get paid to talk to Barbra Streisand; people shell out thousands to get my take on issues that impact the lives of celebrities. The way I see it, my maids have it well. Stallone won't let his household staff make eye contact. Me, I think it's cruel and unusual punishment to forbid people in my general vicinity to turn away. But of course they can't be satisfied with admiring my unique beauty, they want to conduct dialogue. What's next, "Hey Babs, how was your weekend, create any works of art that will be adored for generations?" "Great Guadalupe, how are your 18-children with 17 different men? Learn any more of their names or did digging tunnels dominate Saturday and Sunday?" Now if you'll excuse me I have to see if I can find a member of my cleaning crew who speaks English so he or she can translate this piece for the rest of the swine. Wish me luck.

(The views of Ms. Streisand do not reflect those of Another Funny Day)

Evolution of Dance

2011-12-03T09:56:00.001-08:00